PANTYHOSE HELL

My grandmother was born the year after the tea bag was invented,1905. She lived into the next century and saw the invention of the TV remote, Prozac and waffle soled running shoes.

When I asked her what her favorite invention was, with no hesitation she answered—pantyhose.

PANTYHOSE! Grandma obviously never heard of the GPS and she definitely knew nothing of pantyhose hell.

When I shop the pantyhose aisle my breathing constricts, my mouth goes dry and my deodorant runs. I have to pull the emergency paper sack from my purse and breathe into it.

It is impossible to find the right size, color, toe and support all rolled up into one pair.

If you decide on taupe which is not be confused with beige, tan, or just the other side of mud, you must decide what kind of toe; open, reinforced, or the half way up your foot toe. Or did you prefer tights?

Do you need a pair that sucks your tummy into your backbone or the ones that lift your bottom to your shoulder blades? If you decide breathing is optional you can choose a pair that does both.

Choose incorrectly between ribbed, ultra, shapely or the five hundred other names they have to describe their level of support, you may end up with a pair of pantyhose around your ankles in the middle of the dance floor. Yes, it happens.

Once you decide the size, toe and support level you must find a pair that offers all those options in the color you want.

It would take less time to write an entire set of Encyclopedia Britannica and sell them door to door than it would be to delineate all the colors, styles, textures, sizes and brands of today’s pantyhose.

Finally, I found a mail order catalogue to order from. The only problem is they come six in a box for each style and ask you to order every month. However, you can order in the privacy of your own home.

I have my personnal fashion sense to cater to. I need different styles for different looks and moods. I require a good gut busting design for those days when I can’t fit my clothes but polite society still requires them to be zipped.

I need a variety of colors in each style: taupe, tan, beige, nude, black, off black, sheer black, powder black, cream, and gray mist.

When the UPS truck backed the Semi to the garage and buried Rick’s car in pantyhose I was forced to explain my expenditure.

#1. This was a life saving tool. I would not have to shoot myself in the pantyhose aisle.
#2. I had panty hose for the next 700 years at today’s easy prices.
#3. We had a lifetime supply of boxes.

One look at Rick and I knew he was in his own little pantyhose hell and the idea of my death in the panty hose aisle seemed to appeal to him.