My grandmother was born the year after the tea bag was invented,1905. She lived into the next century and saw the invention of the TV remote, Prozac and waffle soled running shoes.

When I asked her what her favorite invention was, with no hesitation she answered—pantyhose.

PANTYHOSE! Grandma obviously never heard of the GPS and she definitely knew nothing of pantyhose hell.

When I shop the pantyhose aisle my breathing constricts, my mouth goes dry and my deodorant runs. I have to pull the emergency paper sack from my purse and breathe into it.

It is impossible to find the right size, color, toe and support all rolled up into one pair.

If you decide on taupe which is not be confused with beige, tan, or just the other side of mud, you must decide what kind of toe; open, reinforced, or the half way up your foot toe. Or did you prefer tights?

Do you need a pair that sucks your tummy into your backbone or the ones that lift your bottom to your shoulder blades? If you decide breathing is optional you can choose a pair that does both.

Choose incorrectly between ribbed, ultra, shapely or the five hundred other names they have to describe their level of support, you may end up with a pair of pantyhose around your ankles in the middle of the dance floor. Yes, it happens.

Once you decide the size, toe and support level you must find a pair that offers all those options in the color you want.

It would take less time to write an entire set of Encyclopedia Britannica and sell them door to door than it would be to delineate all the colors, styles, textures, sizes and brands of today’s pantyhose.

Finally, I found a mail order catalogue to order from. The only problem is they come six in a box for each style and ask you to order every month. However, you can order in the privacy of your own home.

I have my personnal fashion sense to cater to. I need different styles for different looks and moods. I require a good gut busting design for those days when I can’t fit my clothes but polite society still requires them to be zipped.

I need a variety of colors in each style: taupe, tan, beige, nude, black, off black, sheer black, powder black, cream, and gray mist.

When the UPS truck backed the Semi to the garage and buried Rick’s car in pantyhose I was forced to explain my expenditure.

#1. This was a life saving tool. I would not have to shoot myself in the pantyhose aisle.
#2. I had panty hose for the next 700 years at today’s easy prices.
#3. We had a lifetime supply of boxes.

One look at Rick and I knew he was in his own little pantyhose hell and the idea of my death in the panty hose aisle seemed to appeal to him.


Melissa Kline said...

Very cute! :) Thanks for sharing!


Donna Hole said...

See how much hassle I avoid by not wearing dresses?

I like your blog. I read several of the posts. Too funny.

Nice to meet you Jane :)


M Pax said...

I don't miss pantyhose. Does this mean they're back in style? :D Cute story.

Michelle Bledsoe said...

I have a love/hate relationship with pantyhose. I actually like tights better. They make my tree stump legs look like saplings...LOL


Angie said...

Pantyhose would not have been my answer. =) Seriously, I told my husband if wearing pantyhose was required to get into heaven, then I wasn't going!

Shari said...

Ugh. Just the word pantyhose makes me cringe. That's why I don't wear them unless absolutely necessary.

Joyce Lansky said...

The older I get, the less I mess with pantyhose. Maybe it comes from living in the hot south, or maybe it's being too old to care. I'd much rather go bare-legged than struggle to put these things on, that will no doubt run before I finish.


Anonymous said...

Who knew?!

Thanks for the laughter!

PS - Im new here and I have to say I love all the little sketches on your blog! They are fantastic!

Canda said...

I'm with Shari and Angie on this one--no pantyhose. I believe only a man (who of course would never have to wear them) could invent such a thing. Five dollars a pair--and I'd rip them the first day at work or as I was taking them out of the box. *sigh*

Rhonda Albom said...

Too funny. I am not a pantyhose wearer and now I am glad, although I am quite sure that there would be fewer choices in New Zealand. Poor Rick. Thanks for stopping by my blog, or I may not have found you. I am your newest follower :)

Rachna Chhabria said...

I got them as a gift from my aunt, fortunately they were a perfect fit.I loved your panty hose nightmare. Does that makes me a sadist ;)

Clarissa Draper said...

I hate pantyhose. I will either go bare with sandals or wear tights. I've had one too many bad experiences in the pantyhose aisle to take out a restraining order against it.

Very funny post.

Angela Felsted said...

A ha ha ha ha! You'll never want for pantyhose again.

Ella said...

lol, well done~

Joyce Lansky said...

Rhonda doesn't wear pantyhose because someone taped all her socks to the ceiling. ;)


Connie said...

Wow Jane, you know how to address a problem head on. I am with you though, too many decisions makes me crazy. I rarely wear panty hose anymore, I just make sure my skirts and dresses are long enough to wear knee hi's. I know it is not the fashionable thing to do but I have come to an age where I will choose comfort over fashion any day.

Katie Dodge said...

Pantyhose, tights—I hate them all! cute blog! :D

Heidi L. Murphy said...

I gave panty hose up for Mormon Lent (don't look it up, you won't find it...;o). I only wear them to the temple. Otherwise, my legs are free and easy. I know...I'm a mippy (Mormon Hippy). But the idea that my legs could be incarcerated in something extremely uncomfortable and flammable doth not appeal to me. I know the flammable part from experience--though not while they were on my legs, luckily.


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