Computer of the Month Club

Mom, you need to subscribe to‘Get a New Computer Every Three Months Club.’

That was Garret’s parting remark when I called and told him to order me a computer.

Is it my fault that my computer contracts a virus every few months. I do take it out on excursions every once in awhile to a public place and we all know how contagious a virus can be.

When my computer contracted a bug a few months ago, Garret made me sit down and try to figure out how to fix it.

“Mom you got a virus before Christmas and you will get another one. You need to be able to figure out how to fix it. I won’t always be here to do it for you.”

I wanted to body slam him. How dare he use my words against me? I can’t remember how many times I uttered that phrase when I tried to teach him to cook, fold towels and staple a hem in his pants.

However, I needed my computer fixed more than I needed revenge so I chewed on the inside of my cheek and gave myself cankers.

Garret pulled up two screens that looked identical to me. “Look and see if you can figure out why you got a virus.”

I don’t know if you have ever tried to make your brain do something that it was never wired for, but I felt like an eggbeater was having a war with a vacuum cleaner. My brains were being scrambled and the vacuum cleaner was sucking them out.

“Garret both screens look exactly the same.”

“How can you not see how these screens are different?” Garret was incredulous.

My eyes started rolling around in my head and a foreign language, something a two year old might understand was coming out of my mouth. I managed to salvage some sanity in a tiny corner of my brain. It was scrambling for a plan to annoy Garret and make him so crazy he would beg me to go away and let him fix it.

This was a complete role reversal for us. My sister once overheard Garret telling her girls that if they rolled around the floor and whined long enough when their mom asked them to do something she would give up and do the job herself.

OK, so I'm that terrible mother they write about in all those parenting books. I could only hope his scheme worked in reverse. Not a prayer, Garret was infuriatingly patient. I had another violent urge but just chewed on my canker sore some more.

I spent hours over the next three days trying to wrench a grain of logic from my brain before Garret finally caved. It only took him a few minutes to fix the stupid thing. Just like him to make me do all the hard work and then take the glory.

So you understand that it was with great fear and trepidation that I told him a few weeks ago that my computer was on the fritz again.

Minutes later, he was downstairs hauling all his clothes out of his closet and packing them into his car. He was moving.

“Garret you cannot run away from home and leave me. My computer needs you. Remember the time you forgot to set the brake on your car. You took out every parked vehicle on the street including the boats. Did I run away when the neighbors wanted to lynch you?”

“Mom, I’m smarter than you.”

This week my computer finally crashed completely. I called Garret. That is when he ordered me a new computer and signed me up for the ‘Computer of the Month Club.’