This week I discovered that it is impossible to maintain my self and my bathrooms in the same seven days. I have finally reached the age of diminishing returns.
When I was younger, I could throw on ragged jeans and a t-shirt, run my fingers through my hair, swipe mascara onto the ends of my lashes and run out the door. I looked good no matter what, and I had the whole day in front of me.
Now however, my love for humanity will not allow me to inflict that practice on the public.
Am I the only woman on earth who hates the amount of time it takes to look beautiful? I never hear other women complain. My friends actually like taking time to pamper.
It is impossible for me to cram all my maintenance into one day and if I don’t spread it out over the month, it makes my crazy.
I hate the time it takes to slather lotion on my body after a shower but I just know if I don't do it, my skin will end up looking like an alligator. The lady in a television commercial says so and I can see it happening.
My feet were the first to deteriorate. I used to hate wearing shoes but when my husband started dropping hints like, “honey I’m out of sandpaper, do you mind running your feet over this board for me?” I knew it was time to start shoving my feet into shoes and introducing my feet to exfoliation.
Next, to go was my hair. I was of those lucky women who started going gray at eighteen. Do you have any idea how long it takes to dye, streak, wash, curl and tease your mane? It might be worth shaving my head but then it would just go onto my list of things to shave.
I refuse to polish my fingernails because it lasts a day and a half, if I’m lucky. One look at my hands is all it takes to see that I am no friend to manicuring.
Why did God give us cuticles anyway? They are good for nothing. What a time waster. You would have so much more time if you didn’t have to push back your cuticles. I wonder if there are laws about letting them grow over your fingernails. You know, for health reasons or something.
I will take time to paint my toenails. Its one thing that does give you some return for your time investment—the polish lasts more than one week, but it still takes critical moments out of your schedule.
This month I was forced to squeeze all my maintenance into one week, hair: dye, cut, curl and style. Add Microderm abrasion, eyebrows, manicure, pedicure, shave, massage, shower and anything else I may have missed out. … (OK, I do shower more than once every seven days but when added to everything else it’s one more time eater.)
That is why, when all these tasks stacked up this week I faced a choice no woman should have to make, bathrooms or body.