POSTERITY FOR RENT

When I pass to what I hope will be a heaven where chocolate flows in all the rivers and calories don’t exist, I want my family to laugh together as they remember my quirky ways and cry as they recognize that I am irreplaceable. Of course, it will take something drastic, like me dying before they realize how fabulous and indispensable I really am.

As we visited together at the family homestead after a recent funeral, I looked around at my brother’s, my sister and my cousins families and their posterity and realized that I had six children and only one of them had made any attempt, to multiply and replenish the earth.

It was time for an immediate family council to render some gentle encouragement. My immortal words went something like this.

“Hello my children. Take a good look around this room. Do you see all the people here? Do you notice that you’re Aunt and Uncles each have several children who each have several children? Do you notice something lacking in our family?"

At this point, my children begin to murmur and laugh about how they have no intention of ever getting married, let alone having children. I hold up my hand to quell the revolt.

“Perhaps you don’t understand me. I am not making a request here. I am telling you, when I am gone, I expect you to cram the first five benches of the church with posterity. That means you will get married and you will have children—lots of children. Don’t even think of filing in behind my dead body and only filling up half a row.”

“Mom,” they say, "you have posterity. Ariana has five children. She is our representative.”

“No. Not good enough”

This is where I applied fear and guilt. “I am telling you right now. You are responsible for providing me with posterity. When I die, you will know that you didn’t give me the one thing I wanted and you will feel excruciating pain.”

I pause for effect as I poke my finger at each of them.

“And if you don’t, I will know it because I will be dead and I will be able to see into your souls. If you are not feeling miserable enough, I will put my finger on you and send an electric shock that will run through your vital organs and you will know that I am going to hurt you, bad.”

I felt satisfied that I had made my point until Adam said. “What makes you think they will let you out? They must have rules about letting crazy people run free even there.”

“Don’t you worry. I will find a way to inflict the proper amount of retribution. And I will align all the family that has passed on before to join my in my revenge. Think of all the generations before me that you are letting down.”

“Don’t worry mom” said Garret. “I’ll bet we can find a place that has posterity you can rent for funerals. In fact, that might be a great business venture.”

My children, they never take me seriously.

“I’m just saying, you give me posterity and plenty of it or I will give you nightmares and cold sweats. I’ll have years to perfect my haunting techniques. You just remember this, a mother’s work is never done.”