SUGAR COOKIES

You cannot be a good grandma if you can’t make sugar cookies.

I made up that law this morning. I needed the motivation. In my mind the perfect Christmas, you know the one we all strive for but never happens, entails happy children cutting out and decorating sugar cookies. Never in 35 years of trying have I been able to pull off the perfect sugar cookie.

It’s not like I only make slight blunders and the cookies are still edible either. I totally massacre the things. People notice. I still remember my first attempt, back in the days of the 8-track’s and disco, when I tried to roll out a heart for the boyfriend of the moment.

I wanted it to be a huge one but I think I forgot to double some of the ingredients and it ended up a misshapen, burned blob that spread all over the pan. It had taken me hours to create that nothing. However, as I remember, he didn’t get me anything either. I was so mad he was darn lucky I didn’t spit in his eye for a valentine gift.

I don’t know what my problem is but through the years every attempt has failed. The last time I tried was about five or six years ago. It was at the church and I almost burned down the kitchen. The bishop told me my cookies tasted like catfish bait and smelled worse. The girls I made them for were spewing them out all over the room.

I happened to be on the phone with my aunt this morning and I told her about my sugar cookie plight. She gave me a wonderful idea. It helps to have other people with mental disorders in the family.

She has a bad memory so she puts all her ingredients into separate bowls. If she forgets how much she has measured, she can do it again.

I felt a little bit like Martha Stewart with my counter scattered with bowls full of flour, sugar and salt. All that was missing were the cameras.

I decided not to risk doubling the recipe so I made the entire thing twice. Making a double batch was probably a mistake. If they turned out bad, I would have mountains of the catfish bait and no catfish in any river in this state.

Despite my bowel technique and the fact that I followed the recipe to the T, each batch was different and both were very soft. They would harden up in the fridge though, right?

Not so much. I ended up having to drop a pound of flour on the counter for each batch and they were so soft I didn’t dare let the kids roll them out. It was all I could do to scrape them up into some sort of shape.

They ended up being little blobs but I called them ornaments and the kids decorated them.

They barely passed the taste test but since I make a fabulous icing they slathered it on real thick then covered them in sprinkles and M & M’s. The kids had fun and they made up plates of them to give away. I consider the fact that they were remotely edible to be a huge success and I can still call myself a good grandma.

One thing that bears a little scrutiny however is this. Perhaps the real secret to Martha’s success is having bowls full of ingredients line the counter. It’s something I am going to have to look into. I wonder...the more the bowls the more the money? Hmmm.