MY PRIDE AND JOY

I am not the kind of Mother who needs to bask in the limelight of my children's accomplishments. I don't daydream of ever hearing my children say, "Mom, I am grateful you spent so many years teaching me to scrub toilets. It is because of you that I am receiving the Nobel Prize for developing an environmental toilet that scrubs itself.

I would settle for a simple, "Thank you mom for teaching me to be a hard worker. You’re the best."

However, I am more accustomed to moments where I am forced to wonder if any given child was highjacked from a family whose gene pool is from a species of intelligent baboons participating in genetic experimentation gone awry.

Halloween is the holiday where ugly scary things pop out in the night so I should not have been so surprised by what violated my sensibilities.

Ariana and I were putting the finishing touches to my grandchildren’s cute and adorable costumes Saturday night and were about to walk out the door to Trunk or Treat at the church. Suddenly Ariana and her kids burst out laughing.

Garret pranced into the kitchen decked out in a pink and white unicorn costume. He had been bragging about his costume for several weeks. I assumed it was some foolish looking thing that had two hind legs he had to drag behind him all night while he sweat it out inside a stuffed head with a big horn waving in the wind. I wish!

He stood in front us with his arms out like a Super Unicorn. His costume would probably be the perfect fit for an eight year old girl; did I mention Garret is 26?

The head perched on him like a hat and the shirt reached down just past his chest. The pants pulled up below his belly button and hit him mid calf. Not only did he plan on going out in public, he was going to make his unicorn debut in front of people we’ve known for years.

“Garret, you are not going out of this house looking like that.”

“I’ve already been out. I went to the dance last night. He raised his eyebrows up and down. “He-he- he.”

“They let you in with your belly hanging out like that? That must have made all the girls run off in terror.”

“Oh mom, I wear a pink shirt underneath. I just wanted you to get the full effect.”

I felt the full effect all right especially later that evening. Turns out he had bigger plans for the evening than simply showing up and setting a new standard for the ridiculous.

I was engrossed in passing out chocolate bars to the cute little ghosts, goblins and princesses, when Garret pranced up with his own bag full of candy he had collected. “Trunk or Treat, he-he-he.”

My pride and joy, I can die now, my humiliation is complete.
(Check back soon for the picture)