PREGNANT OR NOT

I am pregnant, again! My husband had an apoplectic fit when I told him but fortunately, he didn’t drop dead.

It took three days to convince him that one: I wasn’t pregnant in the conventional sense and two: I had not participated in any kind of In vivo experimentation.

The truth is I decided that since I looked pregnant I might as well say I am. After all, being with child gives you immediate celebrity status. You glow with all the attention and everyone honors the growth of your stomach.

When you are #*%&*# years old no one looks at your expanding girth with admiration. Not only that, nobody is going to mistake you for being pregnant. Ten years ago, people might have looked at me and wondered, ‘are you pregnant or are you just fat?’ I am now at the age where it is no longer a multiple-choice question.

Every year, as sure as trees shed their leaves, I join all bears out there and eat my way into a hibernation stupor. I wouldn’t care about it if I could actually hide and sleep the winter away. I wouldn’t even mind waking up in the spring hungry and cranky. At least I’d be svelte. That might actually make me wake up with a smile on my face.

But no, I spend every waking hour stuffing myself. I gorge my way through Thanksgiving, in my case that’s Canadian Thanksgiving in early October, and I don’t stop until sometime early spring.

One would think that in this world of innovation, when you gain seasonal weight, instead of feeling guilty, you could market it to your advantage. How about putting profit from the extra acreage into your own pocket and not the coffers of the gazillion diet company’s out there.

Think what that would do for holiday spending and the economy if people could take their fat to market. After all, we work hard for it and all those fast food and fancy desserts are not cheap. I want reimbursed.

The t-shirt industry is on the right track. They advertise slogans and name brands across the length and breadth of the continent but we pay them for the privilege of wearing their name brand.

This is a call to revolutionize Corporate America. If they want to capitalize on our bulk, we must demand a slice of their advertising budget.
We will charge by the inch to advertise their wares. Lets do our part to help the economy grow.

By the inch or the pound
Spread their money all around, or

To heck with health
Let’s spread the wealth.

I feel better about looking pregnant already, pass the chocolate.

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