LASHING AT LASHES

The other day I was sitting at work, minding my own business when my friend Kim complimented me. At least I think it was a compliment. She said, “Jane your eyelashes look great for your age. You still even have your lower lashes.”

I thanked her. I think I was supposed to be flattered but it made me wonder if I was so old that my eyelashes should have worn out or fallen off by now.

Personally, I’m surprised they haven’t. They have managed to withstand more than four and a half decades of being curled, crimped and even cut.

Yes,I actually cut my eyelashes once to see if they would grow back even longer. I don’t know if they did or not but I can’t help but wonder about the fact that I neglected to see a major flaw in that little experiment. Like, what if they didn’t grow back at all and I was stuck with stubs!

Recently I read that when you were over the age of 50 you should never wear mascara on your lower lashes.

Can I just say that looks plain stupid, I know, I tried it. The article also said that you should apply one extra coat of mascara for every five years after 40. (You may wonder if I read every little age defying hint that crosses my line of vision. YES)

By the time I’m eighty, my lashes will be so heavy not only will I not be able to hold my eyes open but my head will hang down so low I’ll have a hump back.

I don’t know if there is a statue of limitations on the life of lashes but I do know that, at this point in my life, there is nothing I hate more than taking off my mascara. It’s never been the pinnacle of excitement in my day, but after over 40 years of scraping it off my face every night—I’m done!

I tried substituting eyeliner and just using eye shadow but my eyes still disappear without the magic mascara. Do I still need to care? I tell myself yes because to say no would be admitting something I don’t want to admit—but every day.

At one time in my life, I would lie in bed every morning and review the activities of the day to decide on my wardrobe. Now, I evaluate my day and decide whether it is mascara worthy or not.

So now—you know. If you see me with mascara on it’s there to impress you. You are mascara worthy. The plumber, however, is not.