I am pregnant, again! My husband had an apoplectic fit when I told him but fortunately, he didn’t drop dead.
It took three days to convince him that one: I wasn’t pregnant in the conventional sense and two: I had not participated in any kind of In vivo experimentation.
The truth is I decided that since I looked pregnant I might as well say I am. After all, being with child gives you immediate celebrity status. You glow with all the attention and everyone honors the growth of your stomach.
When you are #*%&*# years old no one looks at your expanding girth with admiration. Not only that, nobody is going to mistake you for being pregnant. Ten years ago, people might have looked at me and wondered, ‘are you pregnant or are you just fat?’ I am now at the age where it is no longer a multiple-choice question.
Every year, as sure as trees shed their leaves, I join all bears out there and eat my way into a hibernation stupor. I wouldn’t care about it if I could actually hide and sleep the winter away. I wouldn’t even mind waking up in the spring hungry and cranky. At least I’d be svelte. That might actually make me wake up with a smile on my face.
But no, I spend every waking hour stuffing myself. I gorge my way through Thanksgiving, in my case that’s Canadian Thanksgiving in early October, and I don’t stop until sometime early spring.
One would think that in this world of innovation, when you gain seasonal weight, instead of feeling guilty, you could market it to your advantage. How about putting profit from the extra acreage into your own pocket and not the coffers of the gazillion diet company’s out there.
Think what that would do for holiday spending and the economy if people could take their fat to market. After all, we work hard for it and all those fast food and fancy desserts are not cheap. I want reimbursed.
The t-shirt industry is on the right track. They advertise slogans and name brands across the length and breadth of the continent but we pay them for the privilege of wearing their name brand.
This is a call to revolutionize Corporate America. If they want to capitalize on our bulk, we must demand a slice of their advertising budget.
We will charge by the inch to advertise their wares. Lets do our part to help the economy grow.
By the inch or the pound
Spread their money all around, or
To heck with health
Let’s spread the wealth.
I feel better about looking pregnant already, pass the chocolate.
Leave your slogan. I will send the author of the best one a copy of Mother’s Daze.
Showing posts with label Diets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Diets. Show all posts
THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE
If you have been following my posts you know that on New Years Eve I started the HCG diet. http://www.pounds-and-inches.com/
When I first heard of the diet I thought it was insane. People actually paid money for the privilege of injecting themselves in the stomach with urine from a pregnant woman. They inflicted this upon themselves everyday for a number of weeks.
Why am I always the last one to find out about these money making schemes? I had six children. I would gladly have sacrificed my urine for the beauty of mankind. I wonder what other items of great value I have flushed down the toilet?
I will never know what possessed me, but on New Years Eve I gleefully poked myself as I spoke encouraging and endearing words to the urine invading my body. "Please don't be poison."
This turned out to be the most perfect diet I have ever tried. I had no hunger or cravings. I lost four inches in my waist, four more in my belly, two in my hips and a gazillion in the chest but hey, did I mention the four inches in my waist?
I followed a strict regime and ate 500 calories a day, (the urine made up the rest). My food consisted of 3 ounces of fish, hamburger or chicken ,twice a day, and a small handful of two different vegetables with each meal. I had an orange and an apple everyday as a treat. I finished that part of my diet February 22.
For the next three weeks I am free to eat whatever I want except sugar, pasta, rice, wheat and potatoes. I was giddy with anticipation but I what should I eat? If I couldn't have sugar what else was there?
It took a few days for my brain to figure out that I could eat cheese, a vast selection of fruits and vegetables and even bacon and eggs. I am experimenting with beans, or do they fall into the sugar or starch group?
I find it interesting that when my choices were taken away, even for a relatively short period of time, and then given back, it took me awhile to adjust. There must be some deep philosophical lesson in there somewhere.
I will keep you posted on what happens in the next three weeks. Happy Mother's Daze
When I first heard of the diet I thought it was insane. People actually paid money for the privilege of injecting themselves in the stomach with urine from a pregnant woman. They inflicted this upon themselves everyday for a number of weeks.
Why am I always the last one to find out about these money making schemes? I had six children. I would gladly have sacrificed my urine for the beauty of mankind. I wonder what other items of great value I have flushed down the toilet?
I will never know what possessed me, but on New Years Eve I gleefully poked myself as I spoke encouraging and endearing words to the urine invading my body. "Please don't be poison."
This turned out to be the most perfect diet I have ever tried. I had no hunger or cravings. I lost four inches in my waist, four more in my belly, two in my hips and a gazillion in the chest but hey, did I mention the four inches in my waist?
I followed a strict regime and ate 500 calories a day, (the urine made up the rest). My food consisted of 3 ounces of fish, hamburger or chicken ,twice a day, and a small handful of two different vegetables with each meal. I had an orange and an apple everyday as a treat. I finished that part of my diet February 22.
For the next three weeks I am free to eat whatever I want except sugar, pasta, rice, wheat and potatoes. I was giddy with anticipation but I what should I eat? If I couldn't have sugar what else was there?
It took a few days for my brain to figure out that I could eat cheese, a vast selection of fruits and vegetables and even bacon and eggs. I am experimenting with beans, or do they fall into the sugar or starch group?
I find it interesting that when my choices were taken away, even for a relatively short period of time, and then given back, it took me awhile to adjust. There must be some deep philosophical lesson in there somewhere.
I will keep you posted on what happens in the next three weeks. Happy Mother's Daze
WHAT IS EATING WHO?
"I'm pretty sure I'm going to die. My inside organs are chewing their way out."
This is my daughter, Kristjana's response to her 6th day on the HCG diet. I am into my second week of the 'GREAT GORGE' diet and my husband and I feel great; empty but great. Neither one of us wants to take the butcher knife and cut out our stomach. Kristjana will never handle childbirth.
We are now in the second phase of our diet. We eat 500 carefully selected calories a day. We have 17 days to go.
One interesting facet of this diet is that you inject yourself with urine. Not just any urine but urine from pregnant women; imported from Europe. Kind of like expensive perfume I like to think.
My first reaction was the same as my children and probably many of you reading about this diet for the first time. "You're going to do what?"
But even the greatest grossed out skeptics in the world have been known to cave. It wasn't my idea. This is a reverse of the Adam and Eve scenario. Rick led the way. His staff had experienced great results so he and Kristjana decided to give it a whirl. I think it was just a good excuse to gorge on New Years Eve.
Well, they weren't leaving me out. I haven't gorged for years and it has always been a secret fantasy of mine to stick myself with sharp needles. Besides, the allure of injecting myself with European urine gives me the sense of being a diet connoisseur.
Since you are supposed to feel good on this diet and Kristjana is obviously in great distress, (I want to be there, with a tape recorder, when she gives birth), I suggested she get a pregnancy test to test the urine and see if its effective.
She just called to tell me she isn't pregnant. "You tested the urine?" I asked.
"Yes mom, I just went to the bathroom and I am telling you I am not pregnant. This diet isn't working."
Hello! I know I had that discussion with her years ago.
"Kristjana you are supposed to test the pregnant urine not your own."
I can still hear her shout ringing in my ears. "I wasted good money on a pregnancy test? Do you know how embarrassing it was to buy that thing?"
I guess I should be grateful. I will think about that once I quit laughing.
Happy Mother's Daze
This is my daughter, Kristjana's response to her 6th day on the HCG diet. I am into my second week of the 'GREAT GORGE' diet and my husband and I feel great; empty but great. Neither one of us wants to take the butcher knife and cut out our stomach. Kristjana will never handle childbirth.
We are now in the second phase of our diet. We eat 500 carefully selected calories a day. We have 17 days to go.
One interesting facet of this diet is that you inject yourself with urine. Not just any urine but urine from pregnant women; imported from Europe. Kind of like expensive perfume I like to think.
My first reaction was the same as my children and probably many of you reading about this diet for the first time. "You're going to do what?"
But even the greatest grossed out skeptics in the world have been known to cave. It wasn't my idea. This is a reverse of the Adam and Eve scenario. Rick led the way. His staff had experienced great results so he and Kristjana decided to give it a whirl. I think it was just a good excuse to gorge on New Years Eve.
Well, they weren't leaving me out. I haven't gorged for years and it has always been a secret fantasy of mine to stick myself with sharp needles. Besides, the allure of injecting myself with European urine gives me the sense of being a diet connoisseur.
Since you are supposed to feel good on this diet and Kristjana is obviously in great distress, (I want to be there, with a tape recorder, when she gives birth), I suggested she get a pregnancy test to test the urine and see if its effective.
She just called to tell me she isn't pregnant. "You tested the urine?" I asked.
"Yes mom, I just went to the bathroom and I am telling you I am not pregnant. This diet isn't working."
Hello! I know I had that discussion with her years ago.
"Kristjana you are supposed to test the pregnant urine not your own."
I can still hear her shout ringing in my ears. "I wasted good money on a pregnancy test? Do you know how embarrassing it was to buy that thing?"
I guess I should be grateful. I will think about that once I quit laughing.
Happy Mother's Daze
THE GREAT GORGE
Is there anyone who doesn’t go on a diet after the New Year?
I did well maintaining my weight throughout the holiday and didn’t anticipate any problem losing the little I had gained. Then I discovered a diet I had never seen or heard of before. That alone is quite a feat.
My husband and daughter decided to try this diet. Since I am the chief cook I thought, "what the heck."
For three days you must gorge on every fattening thing you can think of. I’m talking a doughnut sandwich with whip cream and chocolate in the middle. I was sold.
New Years Eve, the biggest party night of the year, I began to gorge. I broke fast with waffles drowning in butter and thick Canadian syrup, topped off with whip cream and sausages.
For lunch I had a bacon hamburger, yukon french fries and a chocolate hazelnut milkshake. I chased all that down with melt in your mouth chocolate balls.
Supper was a problem because I could scarcely breathe. I managed to wash down an apple fritter with gourmet hot chocolate piled high with whip cream.
I rolled myself into bed that first night wondering how I had consumed more calories in one day than I generally consume in a normal week; but I bravely soldiered up for two more days of out of control binging.
Food I have resisted for years passed through these lips, followed by gourmet hot chocolate and whip cream with goodies like half a pecan pie on the side.
I had forgotten how much discomfort is associated with the pleasure of over indulging. It will be a relief not to have to gorge anymore and watch the scale leap forward.
Today I start the other side of the diet. In 21 days my body will be transformed; or will it? I’ll keep you posted.
Happy Mother's Daze
I did well maintaining my weight throughout the holiday and didn’t anticipate any problem losing the little I had gained. Then I discovered a diet I had never seen or heard of before. That alone is quite a feat.
My husband and daughter decided to try this diet. Since I am the chief cook I thought, "what the heck."
For three days you must gorge on every fattening thing you can think of. I’m talking a doughnut sandwich with whip cream and chocolate in the middle. I was sold.
New Years Eve, the biggest party night of the year, I began to gorge. I broke fast with waffles drowning in butter and thick Canadian syrup, topped off with whip cream and sausages.
For lunch I had a bacon hamburger, yukon french fries and a chocolate hazelnut milkshake. I chased all that down with melt in your mouth chocolate balls.
Supper was a problem because I could scarcely breathe. I managed to wash down an apple fritter with gourmet hot chocolate piled high with whip cream.
I rolled myself into bed that first night wondering how I had consumed more calories in one day than I generally consume in a normal week; but I bravely soldiered up for two more days of out of control binging.
Food I have resisted for years passed through these lips, followed by gourmet hot chocolate and whip cream with goodies like half a pecan pie on the side.
I had forgotten how much discomfort is associated with the pleasure of over indulging. It will be a relief not to have to gorge anymore and watch the scale leap forward.
Today I start the other side of the diet. In 21 days my body will be transformed; or will it? I’ll keep you posted.
Happy Mother's Daze
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
